This is an absolutely true story, with some embellishments, about that one time I was at the gym. Learn from my mistakes.
I went to the gym without my super-skinny-runs-for-fun-vegan-roommate and I felt pretty good about going late at night, and not having to be dragged. I was wearing some new running pants, not that it really matters, and a black razor back. Typical gym clothes. But! I had this wicked Under Armour Wonder Woman head band.
So I get there, and it’s pretty empty. I guess that’s what happens when you come with less than two hours left of open gym. I decide that today’s the day I try my hand (or feet) at the treadmill. Grabbed one right in the front, right by the mirrors. I looked all professional walking on up and doing some stretches. NBD guys, I got this. I start my warm up and do a few arm stretches, mostly to look cool and like I know what I’m doing.
I start to run and I realize something. Right in front of the mirror is a horrible place to run. You notice things that you wouldn’t have noticed otherwise. My cheeks move. Yes, this is natural to happen when you run, but I’ve never seen this before. I became transfixed! Can other people see this? Do other people’s cheeks move like this? I tried to catch a peek at the person a couple treadmills down from me, couldn’t notice.
Right when I’m starting to sweat, this older woman saunters right next to me. Why? Why pick the one right next to someone else? It was pretty much like sitting next to the only person on the beach. There were millions (like, literally guys – because the gym was big enough to hold millions) of other treadmill options. In all the treadmills in all the world… Ok. Fine. I’m over it. I’ll just go back to looking in the mirror.
Right about now, you might be thinking that I have that TV on my treadmill to watch. No. Well, yes, I do, but I don’t like it. It’s not that I don’t know how to work it. I don’t watch TV enough to know what’s going to be on. I have no idea what channel things are on, and it’s a whole thing that I really didn’t want to deal with.
Back to staring at my reddening, sweaty-ing, face. Hmmm.. maybe I should have washed all my eye makeup off first. Although I kind of look like a dark, gothic fan of Wonder Woman.
I feel like I’ve ran at least 3 miles only to find out that I’ve run .75. Not even a mile! There HAS to be treadmill madness that just freezes time and makes you go a whole lot slower than what you’re really doing. I’m sure I ran 3 miles. I’m almost positive. There’s obviously something wrong with this treadmonster.
Right about now is when a guy walks up and takes the treadmonster on the other side of me. What is this!? Is my sweaty aroma attracting everyone to come and run next to me. Do my bouncing cheeks give a Come on over vibe? Are people thinking that since I’m donning Wonder Woman that I’m secretly Amazonian and they want to get on my good side? Perhaps they just like the way my face is redder, and sweatier, than anyone around me.
When I’m cooling off, I look over at the guy next to me. He has decided stretching beforehand is a good idea. Probably doing it to look like he knows what he’s doing. Dammit! We awkwardly made eye contact. Touche, mirror. I get off the treadmonster and do the whole thing where it still feels like you’re on the rolling treads, but you’re still trying to play it off like you know what you’re doing. It doesn’t go so well. My knees locked a couple times and I’m sure at least one person saw me almost wipe out walking past a bike.
What did I learn from this experience?! My running musk attracts people. The mirror makes you look silly. The mirror makes you make awkward eye contact with people. The treadmonster is a liar. Wonder Woman headband was the source of all my power.
Until next time my fellow gym beasties.